How many of us can really relate to the coined phrase ‘searching for love in all the wrong places’?
I guess this could mean different things for different folks (male or female) but for me this was a reality that I faced before wholly and solely giving my life to Christ Jesus nearly 11 years ago. This was a wonderful day after I had received healing from suspected cancer, but that’s another testimony that I will share another time.
As a woman in my prime years called mid 50’s I was raised initially in a house with two parents until my fathers continuous extra marital affairs ruined their marriage to the point of no return. Everyone said that I looked everything like my father with my dark ebony complexion and beautiful curly hair. In all honesty I was a proper ‘daddy’s girl’. My world came to a complete stand still when my father decided to leave us. I don’t recall there being any sit down conversations regarding this massive change to my life, so I internalised the pain and blamed myself for his departure.
Skipping ahead to my teenage years I met and thought I was head over heels in love with my daughter’s father. At the time he was definitely the remedy for helping me to be happy. I ended up falling pregnant on my 18th birthday and 9 months later had a beautiful baby girl.
I faced so much ridicule, judgement and prejudice in the 80’s being a teenage mother. However I decided to rise above it and pursued my education, dreams and aspirations of obtaining an Honours Social Science Degree with the prospects of working in the field of Social Care.
As I started writing this piece, not only was it cathartic in its nature but I felt a huge relief that I have since traded my ‘scars for stars’. There is no more shame and condemnation in the garments that I wear. My attire has changed to opulent gowns fit for a princess, as my spiritual Father is the Father of all Fathers. He is the ultimate creator of all creators and none can compare to His infinite love, kindness, understanding, forgiveness and wisdom that supersedes all human intellect and understanding.
As I started chronicling this former season in my life, I felt a strong urge to pick up my bible and as I did so it fell open to Isaiah 54 verse 4 and it reads as ‘do not fear, for you will not be ashamed, neither be disgraced, for you will not be put to shame. For you will forget the shame of your youth.’
My walk with Christ Jesus has shown me that God is willing to use any ‘marred vessel’ for His glory and honour if your faith and trust lie in Him and Him alone.
Nobody or nothing that is temporal can fill the void in your life, it’s only Christ Himself that can saturate you to a place where you can authentically enjoy an overflow of love, peace, joy and a sense of fulfilment that satisfies you beyond human comprehension. I pray this small chapter in my life proves to encourage, motivate you, whilst removing the veil of shame that everyone has encountered if we are being totally open and honest with ourselves.
Denise McLean (UK)